even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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