Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
