Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
