Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
