I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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