I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
