he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
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