What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
