were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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