Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The air was thick with penises
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Randomize