I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
