Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm jealous of your bromance
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
