walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
