go do what you do best...puke behind churches
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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