throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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