I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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