I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize