i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
