Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
