Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Too much gin, very little bucket
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
