Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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