just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
