i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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