I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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