Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
