After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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