hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
