I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
