Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
