I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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