matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
