all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
