dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
