The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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