U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
not ubering you a puppy
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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