don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
