If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
