I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
