god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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