i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
