Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
There's always time for handjobs
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize