a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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