During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
