my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
