This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
