tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
