I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
A+ Viking dick
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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