a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
