I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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