Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
there's paper in my vomit.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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