I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
