i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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