I haven't been this sober since birth.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
