oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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