Moan for me like Helen Keller
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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