I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
