it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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