Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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