apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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